he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
