I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Every concussion has its silver lining
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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