i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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