I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
