ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
my poor anus
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
