ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
