you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Drunk is a universal language darling
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