He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
