last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
