Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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