Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
