When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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