I want to make a zoo with you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Fuck me I smell like cheese
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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