don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
