Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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