So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
