You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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