I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
