Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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