my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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