also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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