how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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