I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
