normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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