Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
