i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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