he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
