My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize