Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
