you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
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