my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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