pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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