took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
