It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
