No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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