I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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