I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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