I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
