He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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