You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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