I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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