I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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