Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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