but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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