Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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