My room smells like vodka and shame
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
