maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
