guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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