Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
