I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
