i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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