My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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