You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
