I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Who died my cat blue again?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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