I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
